A glimpse of the past…

She sits in the dark and ponders

Wondering when

Wondering how

Planning, but not knowing what she’s planning for

She spends her time wondering

Feeling lost

Feeling invisible

Voices screaming in her head

She knows what to do

But can’t bring herself to do it

Every moment of strength is quickly followed by her questioning her sanity

She closes her eyes and pretends

Just for a moment

That she’s okay

That she’s far away

That nothing else can hurt her today

Silenced by his anger

Shut out by his obsessions

Her thoughts turn to darkness

But, quickly, she repents.

Again.

And she wonders if it’s her.

She wonders if she’s the crazy one

She wonders if he’s been right all along

And that all of this is her own fault

Disaster brought to life by her own hands

She lays there in the dirt

Feeling it cool her skin

And she wants to stay there

Lay there

Just like this

How beautiful and tragic

This girl… Found in the dirt

Fractured inside

But nothing you can see

Nothing you can detect

She died peacefully of course

She often runs that blade along her wrist

And she wonders if he’d miss her then

Or just her bank account…

And she puts the knife away

Resigning to stay for one more day

…but no longer for him.

She stays for them. Only them.

She thinks about it…

She wonders if she could leave

Pack a suitcase and just vanish quietly into the night

Change her name

Change her address…

Just disappear…

But no.

Not without them.

And she’s afraid

She’s afraid of the solitude, despite dancing with it for oh-so-long that it has a comforting glow

She’s afraid of the loss

So much loss in recent years…

She’s afraid of the judgement

(But they’re judging you already, my dear!)

And she’s afraid of starting new

And she has no idea what it is she should do

Her heart says so much…

But she knows. She knows.

And this never grows…

She’s tired of excuses

Of broken trusts and twisted words

She’s tired of being accused when she knows she’s done nothing…

She’s tired of the anger and the fights and the lengthy stress-filled nights

She dreams of being free

Free to sing and dance and laugh and play

Free to speak and joke and share her day

Free to have a say…

But she backs down. And she feels dismay.

She hates herself for hanging on to something she knows has gone oh-so-wrong

Something that’s been wrong for so damned long

And she prays for solace

Peace of mind

She prays…

And still she stays.

And the relationship continues to fray.

She looks around and sees smiling faces and brilliant spaces

And she feels so locked away

So caged

So distant

So helpless and hopeless and so heartbroken.

But she stays. And she doesn’t know how to have it any other way.

And all she wants to do is go away.

She sleeps a sleep filled with demons and screams

And she pretends she’s in the dirt

…long, black skirt

And she smiles

Because for a moment it all goes away.

Originally written December 27, 2016

By Erin de Blois

——————–

The above piece was a compilation of a lot of past hurts and traumas. I have been through abuse – let me tell you emotional abuse is just as damaging (if not more so in some cases) than physical abuse. I spent a long time feeling locked up and locked away and worthless. Through much of my earlier years I was afraid to speak – at all. I stayed silent more often than not. I was secluded and isolated and felt I had nowhere to turn and nobody who cared.

I thought of suicide often. I attempted twice. My last attempt was July 17, 2012.

I truly felt alone and unwanted. And coming back from that was a long, LONG, journey. But with much counselling and support from friends that I didn’t even realize I had I made it through my “dark times”. Faith saved me. Looking deeper into myself healed me. And I’m far away from that place now.

I still think it’s important for me to dance with my demons from time to time. To embrace them. Hold them close and examine them for a time. For me, if I don’t do that, I will end up back where I was. Examining where I am, why I am here, how I got here, and exactly how I feel about it, are key to my growth. Doing this is what helps keep me strong when I want to crumble. Facing my past and my fears and my ugly, self-destructive emotions is what keeps me from slipping back into the realm of insanity. If that makes any sense at all.

Some ask why I share these deeply personal things. I share them because I am not ashamed of my past. My past made me who I am today. I share my experiences to let others know that these moments of self-doubt are just moments. Sometimes they stretch on for years but they WILL pass.

Persevere. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself hard questions about your own spirit. Don’t let the fear of change stop you from pushing forward. Whoever you are, you are unique and wonderful just as you are in this very moment. Even if you can’t see that in yourself. We all have purpose. We all impact others in a positive way. Even if we never know it. I promise you that you have made a difference – a great and grand difference – in somebody’s world. And you will continue to do so.

For those that are struggling please feel free to reach out to me anytime. I promise a unbiased ear, and a supportive shoulder.

Thanks for reading.

~E.

#writerslift

#WritingCommunity

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