She sits in the dark and ponders
Planning, but not knowing what she’s planning for
She spends her time wondering
Voices screaming in her head
She knows what to do
But can’t bring herself to do it
Every moment of strength is quickly followed by her questioning her sanity
She closes her eyes and pretends
Just for a moment
That she’s okay
That she’s far away
That nothing else can hurt her today
Silenced by his anger
Shut out by his obsessions
Her thoughts turn to darkness
But, quickly, she repents.
And she wonders if it’s her.
She wonders if she’s the crazy one
She wonders if he’s been right all along
And that all of this is her own fault
Disaster brought to life by her own hands
She lays there in the dirt
Feeling it cool her skin
And she wants to stay there
Just like this
How beautiful and tragic
This girl… Found in the dirt
But nothing you can see
Nothing you can detect
She died peacefully of course
She often runs that blade along her wrist
And she wonders if he’d miss her then
Or just her bank account…
And she puts the knife away
Resigning to stay for one more day
…but no longer for him.
She stays for them. Only them.
She thinks about it…
She wonders if she could leave
Pack a suitcase and just vanish quietly into the night
Change her name
Change her address…
Not without them.
And she’s afraid
She’s afraid of the solitude, despite dancing with it for oh-so-long that it has a comforting glow
She’s afraid of the loss
So much loss in recent years…
She’s afraid of the judgement
(But they’re judging you already, my dear!)
And she’s afraid of starting new
And she has no idea what it is she should do
Her heart says so much…
But she knows. She knows.
And this never grows…
She’s tired of excuses
Of broken trusts and twisted words
She’s tired of being accused when she knows she’s done nothing…
She’s tired of the anger and the fights and the lengthy stress-filled nights
She dreams of being free
Free to sing and dance and laugh and play
Free to speak and joke and share her day
Free to have a say…
But she backs down. And she feels dismay.
She hates herself for hanging on to something she knows has gone oh-so-wrong
Something that’s been wrong for so damned long
And she prays for solace
Peace of mind
And still she stays.
And the relationship continues to fray.
She looks around and sees smiling faces and brilliant spaces
And she feels so locked away
So helpless and hopeless and so heartbroken.
But she stays. And she doesn’t know how to have it any other way.
And all she wants to do is go away.
She sleeps a sleep filled with demons and screams
And she pretends she’s in the dirt
…long, black skirt
And she smiles
Because for a moment it all goes away.
Originally written December 27, 2016
By Erin de Blois
The above piece was a compilation of a lot of past hurts and traumas. I have been through abuse – let me tell you emotional abuse is just as damaging (if not more so in some cases) than physical abuse. I spent a long time feeling locked up and locked away and worthless. Through much of my earlier years I was afraid to speak – at all. I stayed silent more often than not. I was secluded and isolated and felt I had nowhere to turn and nobody who cared.
I thought of suicide often. I attempted twice. My last attempt was July 17, 2012.
I truly felt alone and unwanted. And coming back from that was a long, LONG, journey. But with much counselling and support from friends that I didn’t even realize I had I made it through my “dark times”. Faith saved me. Looking deeper into myself healed me. And I’m far away from that place now.
I still think it’s important for me to dance with my demons from time to time. To embrace them. Hold them close and examine them for a time. For me, if I don’t do that, I will end up back where I was. Examining where I am, why I am here, how I got here, and exactly how I feel about it, are key to my growth. Doing this is what helps keep me strong when I want to crumble. Facing my past and my fears and my ugly, self-destructive emotions is what keeps me from slipping back into the realm of insanity. If that makes any sense at all.
Some ask why I share these deeply personal things. I share them because I am not ashamed of my past. My past made me who I am today. I share my experiences to let others know that these moments of self-doubt are just moments. Sometimes they stretch on for years but they WILL pass.
Persevere. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself hard questions about your own spirit. Don’t let the fear of change stop you from pushing forward. Whoever you are, you are unique and wonderful just as you are in this very moment. Even if you can’t see that in yourself. We all have purpose. We all impact others in a positive way. Even if we never know it. I promise you that you have made a difference – a great and grand difference – in somebody’s world. And you will continue to do so.
For those that are struggling please feel free to reach out to me anytime. I promise a unbiased ear, and a supportive shoulder.
Thanks for reading.