I walked into 2020 on top of the world. I literally had never felt more alive in my life. I had hopes and they felt attainable for the first time. Ever.
It’s funny how things shift. How the reflection in the mirror changes. How things fall apart and the cardboard facade blows away with the first gust of wind.
Today… I am not feeling okay. I am not feeling hopeful. I am not feeling secure.
Today I feel lost. And far too broken to ever be repaired.
I speak a lot about not giving up. About being grateful for the trials. But truth be told, today I want to crumble into dust.
I wonder sometimes, if there is a God – and I firmly believe there is – why it is that he puts me through so much when there are so many who turn their backs on him and seem to prosper. I wonder sometimes what it is that I have done so wrong to have to pay penance after penance.
This is self-pity talking today. And dammit, I’m entitled to it right now. I know it’s not “acceptable” in social terms. But fuck the social terms. Today I want to cry. So cry I shall.
I gave up a life I wasn’t happy with but it was familiar and comfortable and it was “okay”. I expected the lows. I knew how to handle them. I gave it up in hopes of finding something better. And I thought I had.
And I’m speaking quite broadly here. There is not “one” thing that’s leading me here today, but many. Basically everything right now… everything is askew and ajar and a little off balance. Some of it is a LOT off balance…
I thought I had found better. I was excited and anxious to begin re-discovering ME.
So foolish… so naive.
Folks… I’m strong as fuck, okay? I’ve hit some pretty deep lows and I’ve pulled myself up. And each time I get stronger. I build more muscles in the trenches than I ever would on solid ground. But, come the fuck on. I’m tired of always fighting just to come in last. It’s exhausting. And honestly I just don’t want to fight anymore. Today I have no fight left.
Today I am struggling to stay away from people that are bad for me. But stay away I will. Because I’m not making a U-turn in my world. I’ve gone to far to look backwards now.
Today I am struggling not to drown myself in a very large bottle of straight whiskey. But I will not. I won’t touch one drop today. Whiskey (etc) is just as bad for me as some of the people in my past have been.
Today I am struggling – quite honestly – to NOT give up. But giving up isn’t an option. What gets better if I give up? Not one fucking thing. That’s what. So I won’t give up. I will persevere. I will hold tight to the raft as it’s thrown down a river afflicted by life’s hurricanes. And you bet your ass I’ll arrive – someday – at the shore. And the sun will shine. And I WILL be okay.
But for today… for today I think it’s okay to let myself not be okay for a bit. To cry and yell and be heartbroken and angry at the universe in the same breath. Today I think that’s adequate. And acceptable. Whether anybody else likes it or not.
And today, I will post this message without really telling anybody what it means. And that’s okay too. You all can interpret as you see fit. One of the joys of writing is allowing the reader to feel whatever they want to feel and to imagine whatever they want to imagine. This is just another short story for you to identify emotion with, get lost in, or discard. It’s off my heart now regardless.
Here’s to sometimes dancing alone in the dark. 🥃