The Wallow

I find myself struggling to want to do much of anything as of late. My house and soul both feel far too empty right now.

My youngest son is off to school camp for the week, and his overly-loud laughter has left me with hallways of echos. The absence of pets running around at the same time led me to decide – far too hastily I’m sure – to commit to two new kittens, who will be ours in the coming week or so. (Simply a decision to fill the void, but in all honesty this is the first time in my life I’ve had no pets, so these two cuties will indeed be welcome.)

The space beside me feels empty at night whilst I navigate some changes in lifestyle and, honestly, outlook.

Sleep doesn’t come easy and even deep sleep doesn’t feel fulfilling at the moment.

The silence of late is – to quote the old adage – entirely too deafening.

I’m struggling to want to rise in the mornings. The mornings that used to be (if you can believe this) my favorite part of the day.

Once again, my whole world feels a bit off to the side. As if somebody gave it a poke and it just slid off center somehow, the ballast forever bent. Or so it would seem.

This is just a moment. I know that. I’ve wallowed in the loneliness of my darkest mind before. And I know well enough to know this too shall indeed pass. That, in the not too distant future, I will have found laughter again. I will see myself smile. And I won’t even realize it’s happening until I take a moment for self reflection amid whatever it is that brings me joy then.

But right now… the canvass is grey. Hues of sadness spilling out to create the portrait of a broken soul…

And I feel completely helpless to stop the waves of despair that clutch at my ankles and try to drag me into the quicksand that would rather see me drown than see me thrive.

Why, for God’s sake, is life such an uphill battle for so many of us? Why do so many of us fall down so often during the race, unable to rejoin the pack due to broken bones, and cracked skin? Why does it feel that nothing comes easy?

Kevin said something to me the other day, which resonated with me deeply. We were talking about how crazy we both are. And indeed we are both madly insane in the best – and sometimes the worst – of ways. And he said (to paraphrase) that “life would be boring otherwise”.

How correct he was in saying that.

As wonderful as life without struggle and chaos (or insane thoughts!) sounds on paper, I think I would quite certainly die of boredom. The hills and valleys are what keeps it interesting. Never knowing what to expect, or when to expect it, is – in its own way – better than a rollercoaster ride. Some moments leave us fearful. And some fill us with such elation we can’t stop smiling. Until the next loop that leaves us crying, but leads us once again back to laughter.

Oh life… the tragedy and comedy all in one. Shakespeare had it right all along.

~Erin.

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