Self-Commiserating

This week I have felt off. Really, deeply and soul wrenchingly off.

Life is good. Don’t get me wrong. I’m ecstatic in so many ways. There is so very much I am grateful for right now.

But I am struggling with some self doubt. Some internal chaos. Some form of being unsettled and not knowing how to change what needs changing.

Fear of letting people down in the process of helping myself up…

Today I had a thousand thoughts running through my head. I thought of my past life and how deeply it’s missed in so many ways. How much regret I have for the choices I made. I thought about how thankful I am to be where I am today – to have some semblance of security in today’s oh-so-very-insecure world. I thought about the way so many tend to forget the hands that helped them up, and the second chances they were given. The way so many people are quick to judge. And about where I want to be at this time next year. And how to get there…

And then I began daydreaming about the journey ahead and allowed myself to imagine ridiculously outlandish scenarios in which I’m the recipient of a LOT of good fortune and unearned (so far) confidence.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about leaving this god-forsaken city that has dealt me so very many harsh blows. And how easy it would be to pack up and move right now… Imagining myself making it big by breaking out of the confines of my normal day-to-day…

Silliness.

Or is it?

I’ve always said “dream big or don’t dream at all”. Maybe it’s time I follow my own advice. Maybe it’s time for me to do something incredibly risky. Something that looks completely stupid to the rest of the world but makes perfect sense to me.

Something for ME.

How does one break free from the restrictions and expectations that society breeds into us from birth? How does one get off of the “socially acceptable” path of mundane tasks and start following their actual purpose? …I mean… without having a large financial cushion to carry them?

I wasn’t born into wealth. I work hard – damned hard – for my meagre life. And in a lot of ways, I love my world. But something needs to shift. I know what. I just don’t know how to go about attaining the means to make that shift happen in a reasonably acceptable timeframe.

I’m being vague. I know this. Very few will actually grasp exactly what I’m talking about here. But this post still has purpose. Because, regardless of the precise scenario, we all go through the need for change. We all struggle with the “how” in some way. Some of us financially, others emotionally, and still others in their own limitless variations.

We all struggle. We all seek “better” at some point.

And we all wonder how to get there.

Today the “how” is heavy on my heart. Tomorrow it may not be. Who’s to know?

~Erin.

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