Reliving past re-evaluations

So… a few years back I was coming out of a horribly abusive relationship (post-divorce, so NOT the ex-husband) and as I was evaluating leaving that devastatingly damaging relationships, I wrote the following (on May 19, 2017). It’s interesting to re-read it and realize that, although my head was a mess, I did actually have a decent grasp on who I was and what I needed. And I can say today that although I went through some brambles and took some wrong turns along the way, I did eventually find that second half that actually gets me (known today as Top-Shelf Kevin).

So without further ado, here is a glimpse at my past…

————

Originally written May 19, 2020:

There’s a part of me that’s afraid to start over. I mean… I’m 37. I’m divorced. I have 3 kids – 2 of which are mostly grown but still… I have a complicated – at best – relationship with my ex husband. I’m not in the best shape of my life. I have so much fucking emotional trauma that I don’t know if I CAN be good for anybody…

Who the hell would want this?

And in these moments – much like when I was contemplating leaving my ex husband – I am afraid to get out because I’m scared of being alone for the rest of my life. Although realistically… if I stay… I’m pretty much alone anyways. So…

Things I have going for me?

I have a REALLY good job. One that I love. One that I’m actually GOOD at – most days.

I have a huge heart (…to match my huge ass? Haha) and I try really hard to show people around me that I care for them and that they’re valuable to me.

I bend over backwards for people I love.

I am easy going for the most part and I love spontaneity. I’m not picky about HOW I spend time with people as long as I’m spending time with them. I’m content to lounge on the couch or go for a walk or just sit in the same room and read a book… God I miss reading…

I’m crazy as shit but mostly in a good way. I like letting the inner child in me run wild, but I also know how to be serious and act like a grown up when it matters. A skill I’m convinced many people do not actually possess. Heh.

I’m financially responsible. Most of the time. My bills usually get paid before I play around with my dough. With the exception of this week cause damn. I needed to just enjoy that vacay without stressing about money. Ya know?

I’m smart. I may not always seem like it – cause I SUCK at talking to people – but I’m goddamned smart. My head is always working, analyzing, thinking, puzzling…. I have some sense of mechanical inclination, I have some sort of street smarts, and I’m book smart like crazy. I am a fountain of weird facts and information that isn’t exactly common. Plus my vocabulary is astounding. 😉

I’m loyal to a fault. BUT… I am also a Scorpio, so if you give me a reason to sting I damn well will. Eventually.

But… I’m broken in SO many ways. I don’t know if I can ever be “fixed”. I have so much emotional baggage and so many insecurities due to said emotional baggage… finding a new relationship will not be easy. And maybe I don’t need one at all. I get that. Maybe I need to be alone for a while. But you know… it sure would be nice to find that person that makes coming home easier… that person that will lay beside me and talk about absolutely nothing until we fall asleep. Somebody who will hug me when I’ve had a bad day instead of yelling at me… I’m a lot to handle at times. I’m off the fucking charts emotional sometimes. And I’m not a young, big breasted, skinny little thing anymore… I’m not the picture of what people find “desirable”. I’m chaotic and messy and weird.

But I know how to love. If I know anything at all, I know how to love.

Just gotta find somebody who sees past all the other shit – somebody who will encourage me (in a GOOD way) to become a better version of me. Until then… I’ll go it solo for a bit. Who knows – maybe I’ll enjoy it.

Of course first i gotta have THAT conversation… one I’m absolutely terrified to have…

———-

Folks, don’t give up. Don’t give in. Know your worth and demand nothing less than you deserve. You are valuable, and worthy, and beautiful. Don’t let anybody ever convince you otherwise.

Much love, my friends.

E.

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